Hi ladies. I just thought I would share with you this amazing diet, I've lost 5lb in 5 days with no effort whatsoever! If you want the same results, then here's what you need to do.
Just find a lovely person at work, or on the bus or train, who is willing to share their germs with you by coughing or sneezing directly into your space, and let it gradually mutate into an upper respiratory tract infection. No calorie counting, no measuring food - Boom! Job's a good'un. Those jeans you thought were too small? Not a problem! After a week on this diet, they'll fit like a glove (that's shaped like a pair of jeans ...)
There are just a few side-effects, however. And for completeness, I've listed them below.
1. Sleeping will be the most energetic thing you do, apart from series-linking Jeremy Kyle's Emergency Room, and you will be energetic for at least 12 hours a day.
2. You will run a temperature of at least a million (C or F? Who cares?) but you will feel so cold, so very cold. So cold that you'll need to wear two fleeces over your pj's in bed to feel remotely warm.
3. Or you'll sweat buckets, and will have to throw everything off - fleeces, see 2, or cats, see 4.
4. If you have a cat or cats, you will become their new favourite place to sleep. You may think this is because they love you, and are looking after you in their own sweet way. No. They don't, and they're not. Cats are self-serving opportunistic little - darlings, and they're taking full advantage of the fact that you're stationary for 12 hours a day (see 1), and are kicking out megawatts of heat (see 2), so are sucking up as much heat as possible before you chuck them off (see 3).**
5. The tastiest thing to pass your lips will be water. Everything else - ashes in the mouth.
So there you go. Tried and tested and proven to work!
** I have to point out that I am happily owned by a cat. SHE loves me and cares for me in her own sweet way, whereas yours are self-serving opportunistic etc etc.
New diet, lose 5lb in 5 days! (Warning: not a serious article)
Just find a lovely person at work, or on the bus or train, who is willing to share their germs with you by coughing or sneezing directly into your space, and let it gradually mutate into an upper respiratory tract infection. No calorie counting, no measuring food - Boom! Job's a good'un. Those jeans you thought were too small? Not a problem! After a week on this diet, they'll fit like a glove (that's shaped like a pair of jeans ...)
There are just a few side-effects, however. And for completeness, I've listed them below.
1. Sleeping will be the most energetic thing you do, apart from series-linking Jeremy Kyle's Emergency Room, and you will be energetic for at least 12 hours a day.
2. You will run a temperature of at least a million (C or F? Who cares?) but you will feel so cold, so very cold. So cold that you'll need to wear two fleeces over your pj's in bed to feel remotely warm.
3. Or you'll sweat buckets, and will have to throw everything off - fleeces, see 2, or cats, see 4.
4. If you have a cat or cats, you will become their new favourite place to sleep. You may think this is because they love you, and are looking after you in their own sweet way. No. They don't, and they're not. Cats are self-serving opportunistic little - darlings, and they're taking full advantage of the fact that you're stationary for 12 hours a day (see 1), and are kicking out megawatts of heat (see 2), so are sucking up as much heat as possible before you chuck them off (see 3).**
5. The tastiest thing to pass your lips will be water. Everything else - ashes in the mouth.
So there you go. Tried and tested and proven to work!
** I have to point out that I am happily owned by a cat. SHE loves me and cares for me in her own sweet way, whereas yours are self-serving opportunistic etc etc.
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